Ahhh, and then life interferes with life sometimes …
After the EMG, my legs were twitching and jerking uncontrollably. Went on for about five days. All of a sudden, without warning: [*JERK*!] … the legs would go flying out in a weird direction. I just stared at them, trying to make sense of it. I thought perhaps my lower legs and feet were coming back to life.
Then the leg jerking stopped and they’re back to being dead again. The regular muscle and tendon spasms have returned. The physical therapist thinks less than one month before being back at work at full capacity is being too optimistic. Next, my right foot inexplicably started turning in towards the left foot whenever I lifted it ... and the shuffling I had been able to do turned into a stumbling gait that scared the crap out of me.
Time to perhaps plan the rest of my life as a not too mobile disabled person? Not quite sure how to do that. I have always walked – have never been able NOT to walk. Which is not to say I can’t stand on my feet and perambulate – I can – but I need a rolling walker in front of me and I shuffle at the pace of a snail – and now, I should say, stumble at the pace of a snail. Not quite what I would call “walking.”
I worked on We Can Fly to keep myself distracted ... had fun with it actually. First real bout of creativity I’ve had in a while. Created as inspiration to get us to New York City and the Cutting Room, despite mutual mobility issues – which now seems horrifyingly dubious given my recent stumbling issues.
Symbolism: the four center “Wings of an Eagle” block. Peacock: Transforming the physical body into its potentiality. Eagle: "Fly Higher." Number 4: endurance, mastery, building solid foundations, determination, hard work. Grey fabric, black print fabric: nerve electrical impulses. Red fabric: intensity, passion, will power. Green fabric: spring, new growth, April. Black/grey/white versus color: “They clipped my wings, and I can't fly”, Gotta Get Away From It All , (Bob Cowsill, Bill Cowsill, Mary Dean); change in attitude from defeated to hopeful, awakening. Asymmetrical borders: partial disabilities. Bluebirds: cheerfulness, happiness, prosperity, good health, and the renewal of springtime. “Bluebirds come up to guide us”, The Cowsills, We Can Fly, “Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly”, The Wizard of Oz.
Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly? (Frida Kahlo)
Birds have wings; they're free; they can fly where they want, when they want. (Roger Tory Peterson)
Love and desire are the spirit's wings to great deeds. (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
I believe that if one always looked at the skies, one would end up with wings. (Gustave Flaubert)
There is nothing holier in this life of ours, than the first consciousness of love, the first fluttering of its silken wings. (Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)
They clipped my wings, and I can't fly. (“Gotta Get Away From It All” , Bob Cowsill, Bill Cowsill, Mary Dean)
Nothing to tie us, bluebirds come up to guide us, When you're beside me, we can fly. (The Cowsills, We Can Fly)
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly… (The Wizard of Oz)
Poor baby, try to feel better, Nothing's bad as it may seem, Poor baby under the weather, Try to close your eyes and dream (The Cowsills, Poor Baby)
I have been one acquainted with the night. I have walked out in rain — and back in rain. I have outwalked the furthest city light.... (Robert Frost)
Next project: Let Beautiful Beige Come Into Your Mind. Now THIS one ... the original idle thought was to just use the title and create a soothing monochrome art quilt ... even had a sketch of what I wanted drawn up. And then I read the lyrics. I mean, really read the lyrics. Said, “Holy (bleep)!” And all these years I had thought the song was about something else entirely.
A violet in the field is growing,
You're afraid to touch not knowing
That its petals cannot burn you,
Don't you think it's time you learn to love?
Your window sill is lined with lilies
And other white assorted sillies,
Planted within golden cups,
But is there any diff'rence up above?
Nice, sunshiny Cowsill-esque song, no? Not hardly. You have a young woman, afraid of the realities of love. She’s out in a field, out in the wilds of nature, afraid of touching a violet (the color violet relates to the fantasy world, and a need to escape from the practicalities of life, the daydreamer escaping from reality) out of fear she’ll be “burned” by it. At home, she has lilies lined up in “golden cups” on her windowsill. Has anyone looked at a lily lately?
Black is black and white is white,
You're so hung up on day and night,
Is it that important to you?
Can't you let the dark come shinin' through?
A searchin' hand says come and greet me,
Be a friend and don't defeat me,
You say that the day is lighter,
I say that the stars can be bright too.
Actually I did those verses in reverse, but “I say that the stars can be bright too.” – what you see as something dark and fearful, can actually bring you as much pleasure as sunlight. Or something along those lines.
Anyway, I looked at the primary lyricist and thought, “Wow, no wonder I thought he was so (bleeping) hot!” Have no idea when Bob Cowsill came up with those lyrics, but I just sat here with my mouth open. The song first appeared on their We Can Fly album (MGM Records – 1968), so he had to be – what? Had to be 18? 19? And somehow that kid came up with an astoundingly erotic and adult love song. How did he do that? He was just out of high school! Inspirational, too – I’m re-thinking the entire Beautiful Beige art concept into something far more Georgia O’Keefe-ish than monochromatic.
My PC also came down with a huge virus. Not quite sure how it happened – I’m always extremely careful about clicking on unknown links without checking and vetting sources first. But the weirdest thing happened: all of a sudden, without having clicked on anything, I get an IM message from the Kinks Official Fan Club: “We have accepted your request to join us.” I said, “Huh? I never requested to join any Kinks Official Fan Club …”
… and then my mouse cursor went wonky on me, as though someone else had ahold of it and was trying to click elsewhere … I disconnected the cable, shut down immediately and took the PC to Staples – it was still under a service contract … being without my PC for 3 days was a major pain in the … well, I’m sure everyone has been there at one time or another. Then it turns out whatever scrubbing they did had disabled my online access, so I had to drag it back in ... such fun. It also disabled my video converter, but when I re-downloaded THAT, I ended up with a Bing search page, which I can’t get rid of to save my life, no matter how many times I change the Home Page in the control panel.
There are days when I just hate computers in general.
Hair. After the last nightmare with a haircut, when I ended up looking like the butch-est looking creature since Gertrude Stein and completely devastated, I haven’t had it cut since – and it strikes me as amazing that I haven’t had it cut in almost three years and it isn’t down to my waist yet. It’s about halfway down my back. I do need it cut, but ... what to do. Shag, layered? I have no idea what my hair will tolerate at this point – I know it definitely doesn’t hold a curl. I was even thinking of a French braid or twist if I could figure out how to pull that off.
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