You know you’ve been watching way too much hurricane
coverage when you set something down on a shelf and think, “Could this become a
projectile?” Answer: highly unlikely since you live in the northeast
and no hurricane is coming anywhere near you, dumbass! But the thought went through my head
anyway. Yes indeedy: definitely watching too much hurricane
coverage.
I had fallen asleep with the television going ... and slowly came awake around
4 am this morning to the words of an
announcer: “Beware: this is the sound of women lying”. I thought that was so odd I came awake
entirely, and found myself in the middle of one of those infomercials,
this one for yet another skin care product claiming to make gullible women look
20 years younger or something. Which it
won’t, of course, but try telling a bunch of dumb women that.
I realized that the “announcer” had actually been my own subconscious
addition to the television soundtrack, conjured up somewhere between sleep and
consciousness, but the warning from myself still struck me as so unusual, I lay
there for a moment listening not so much to what was being said, but more to
the sound and cadence of their voices as they were speaking.
It must be that we’re all so used to “ad-speak” that it doesn’t register
most of the time, but it did this morning.
I tried to envision my reaction if any woman in my “real world” came up
to me and started speaking in the cadence of “ad-speak”: unnaturally shrill, perky and enthusiastic,
her speech peppered with hyperbole and overall silliness from a wholly invented
medical “clinical studies” perspective – which is to say: there ARE no legitimate ‘clinical studies’
backing up their snake oil. I’m pretty
sure I would be immediately wary, back up, make a protective gesture of the
“evil eye”, and suggest she try speaking like a human being, or get the f*ck
away from me, out of fear that whatever disease she had was contagious.
My favorite is an infomercial created by a once well known (now not so
much) model ... with the ad-speak voice-over crowing, “She looks 20 years
younger! The whole world is whispering
about her!” Riiiight. Actually the whole world is more likely chortling
with amusement – or they would be, if they had any brains - as said model is now
so heavily airbrushed, she hardly looks human.
Not a line, not a wrinkle, not a dimple – just plastic-looking, blurry
skin on an over 60-year old woman that gives you the willies when you look at
her.
When I finally woke up entirely: I
watched the approach of Hurricane Irma juxtaposed with the aftermath of the historic
flooding in Houston and surrounding areas caused by Harvey ... juxtaposed with the equally astonishing
amount of ... er, bos taurus excrement with
which the so-called president simultaneously smeared the country: Arpaio pardoned, Bannon and Gorka departures
(followed by nonsense from the both of them from afar), transgender soldiers
not allowed in the military and relentless bragging, as though the tragedies in
Texas and Florida were merely an inconvenient distraction from any focus on his
self-defined greatness. He did some of
the above on the same Friday night that Texas was being hit with a Category 4
hurricane, explaining that the weather news made for higher ratings. It was sickening.
But really ... Florida in the crosshairs.
Rush Limbaugh announcing Irma was nothing more than a liberal conspiracy
– before he took off running in fear. Texas still under water. Nutball Christians announcing it was all their
deity’s revenge for gay marriage – without explaining why it was only hitting
the red states, while the states who have no issues with gay marriage watched
from a safe distance. Hmmm. Perhaps their deity doesn’t own a map. A huge earthquake off of Mexico. All
happening at once.
Meanwhile, I suspect I need to cut back on the live-streaming. I rarely am watching the video, but I am
listening to it, almost as a variation of white noise. Except, in this case, it’s far more annoying
than calming. The number of advertisers
hiring Lolitas to hawk their products is getting on my nerves: the Leesa Mattress nymphet whose voice
literally makes my skin crawl, the Alzheimer’s nymphet (ditto). Who hires these simpering twits? Never mind, I don’t want to know, they’re all
probably creepy as hell.
Then there are the sickening, gag-inducing horrors. People squeezing pus out of their pores,
spitting blood into their sinks, really unpleasant people dancing really
unpleasantly in those Wayfair commercials ... what exactly is the message? Buy our furniture and you will become a
person as pathetic as this group of klutzos?
Rare smart realization in advertising:
Progressive Insurance finally realizing their smarmy talking box was
really annoying. They finally wised up
and brought back Flo (her ads with Susan Lucci are a hoot).
The Alfa Romeo Stelvio (SUV) ... when that commercial first aired, all I
could do was sit there and mutter, “You have GOT to be kidding me.” Some woman
who probably moonlights as a phone sex worker coos, “And when you dream... you dream of me,
infused with passion ... I am the end of your search ... your dream ...” (as a naked woman arises out of water
...) do men really fall for that crap? Somebody must think they’re that stupid. Who knows, maybe they are. It’s a CAR, guys.
Back to our nation's natural disasters ...
Back to our nation's natural disasters ...
