Dear Depraved Capitalist Pigs (by which I mean Advertisers and Media
Buyers:)
In the unlikely event that no one has ever told you this before: not only are you hopelessly lazy and
grotesquely lacking in imagination and creativity, but you’re also nauseating
and creepy. And I say this not only as
someone who used to work in the media buying arm of an advertising agency many
years ago, but as someone who is now retired and has cable TV streaming while
she works on more important stuff. It’s
not that I watch it all that much, but I do listen to it ... until I can’t
stand it anymore, start screaming in agony and switch to music or blissful
silence.
And why, you may ask, do I reach the point where I can’t stand it
anymore? YOU’RE the reason!
I’m sure some mindless study put you up to this. “People remember due to repetition,” they
pontificated, and your bosses jumped up and down, squealed like little girls
and yelled “Repetition! Repetition! Repetition!” at you ... proving the point of
the study because you remembered it, lest you lose the cool job with all the
cool perks from syndicators and networks and the NATPE conventions. So – given your marching orders, and your
inherent laziness, you all bought TV ad time in chunks ... sometimes 4 to 6
times during one hour-long program – for your advertisers and patted yourselves
on the back. But what your idiot bosses
never knew (and therefore never told you) was the other side of that coin.
Here it is. Memorize it: Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat:
Relentless repetition DRIVES HUMAN BEINGS INSANE!
Yup. That unholy study
that your stupid bosses crammed down your throats never once studied the impact
of commercials on viewers who were subjected to your mindless crap for weeks on
end – over and over and over, over and over and over ...
By “driving human beings insane” I mean:
people clutching their heads and screaming, “I can’t take it
anymore!” viewers screaming, “Shut up,
shut up, SHUT UP!” ... wanting to take your evil, vicious product and throw it
across the store and then jump up and down on it. Definitely does not inspire them to buy
it. If anything, running across your
product now throws them into instantaneous PTSD. No joking.
Don’t believe me? You should hunt
down the 2018 “Will & Grace” episode where Karen and Jack were driven (even
more) stark raving bonkers than they were already, by getting a commercial
jingle stuck in their heads. Your next
goal: creating a new generation of
serial killers who were all driven insane by never ending commercials? I’m sure they’ll call it the “NATPE
Disease”. (The National Association of
Television Program Executives, in case anyone was mildly curious).
Examples from the last hour:
Ø Uncle Ben’s butchering of Peter Frampton’s “Show Me the Way”... added to every
single commercial break in a one-hour program.
Repetitions: at least 6, if not
more. Makes you wanna send ol’ Ben to
the bottom of the nearest rice paddy.
Ø Wayfair’s butchering of their own theme song. Makes you want to take an axe to their
furniture and toss all the bland, boring other stuff on a bonfire.
Ø Toyota “Camry”s butchering of “What A Wonderful World” (which was bad
enough to begin with), touting their larger than life braking system with the
caveat, “By the way, our larger than life braking system isn’t a replacement
for you having the brains to hit the brake pedal yourself. We’re just short-circuiting your brains with
this awful song.” I now have an urge to
back up and take a running charge at the first Camry I spot, and pray I’m
somewhere near a steep cliff when I spot it.
Ø Wrigley’s awful, awful, simply AWFUL, twitch-inducing song for their Extra
Spearmint gum ... added to every single commercial break in a one-hour
program. Repetitions: at least 6, if not usually more per hour. That makes at least 48 repetitions a day, if
not 96. Once the twitching dies away, I
solemnly swear off of gum for life. And
then concoct evil plans to torch all the stores that sell it. Happy now, Wrigley? The most you have accomplished is getting me
to scream, “STFU, YOU STUPID BITCH!” every few minutes ... that voice gives me
the heebie-jeebies.
Ø Speaking of voices that give me the heebie-jeebies, the creepy
pedophile-bait simpering little girl voice from the mattress commercials is now
used in the Panera Catering commercials.
OMG, PLEASE SHUT HER UP!! (And
then do some serious investigations into the men who hired her. They can’t be normal.)
Ø Has it occurred to any animal-lovers anywhere that every dollar the World Wildlife
Foundation (WWF) people spend on commercials protecting tigers and elephants is
money they’re NOT spending protecting tigers and elephants? And they run their commercials every hour,
every day, every week ... how many millions of dollars are THEY wasting on TV
ad time?
Ø GlaxoSmithKline’s “Anoro” butchering of Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way”
... which is stupid as well as annoying since they tell you to “ask your
doctor” immediately after torturing you with the song about “going your own
way”. Which one is it, GlaxoSmithKline? Your own way or the doctor’s? Lucky for you I don’t have COPD, because I
would rather die than take your crap now.
Ø The retarded Liferoom mantra: “Outdoor
living. Perfected.” Bullshit, you stupid spokescow – it’s a cheaper
(and louder, being motorized) version of a screened porch, which people have
enjoyed for generations! Try to keep up.
Ø The ridiculousness from “Deal Dash.Com” – oh my god. “These aren’t actors, they’re real
people.” Actors aren’t real people? Has anyone told any actors that weird tidbit
of philosophy? Not even the worst of it
– “fair and honest bidding site”, while the small print at the bottom of the
screen announces: “THESE RESULTS AREN’T
TYPICAL!” No kidding – one of the
so-called “real people” proudly announced she won a computer for something
ridiculous like $1.50, while pointing at a monitor. And then, when someone obviously pointed out that
mega-error, they brought her back a second time (and by now, she technically IS
an actor, if you go by SAG rules) to point at bunch more random crap she “won”
– which now makes her look like a brand new “actor” (and no longer a real
person) whose pathetic life consists of hoarding. But hey – “fair and honest”. Uh-huh.
Ø The slimy, vomit-inducing, gooey, pus-filled, medical commercials that make
everyone sick even if they didn’t start out that way. Which makes you wonder: who wakes up every morning exclaiming, “Golly
gee, I can’t wait to hear all about “nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset
stomach, diarrhea”, brain infections, women having messy, dripping menstrual
cycles or peeing all over themselves, men sticking catheters up themselves,
chronic constipation, suicidal thoughts, sleep apnea, grotesque close-ups of
pimply teenagers squeezing pus out of their faces, people spitting wads of
toothpaste into sinks, men craving testosterone and women craving estrogen
combined with probiotics and layers of goopy face cream because they all want
to keep their aging, wrinkled flesh copulating until they’re 150 years old !” Nobody, that’s who. Do you know why? BECAUSE ALL OF THAT MAKES EVERYONE SICK! And yet we’re all subjected to this horror
show every 10 minutes, while the cost of everything skyrockets because Big
Pharma is throwing billions of dollars down the drain buying all this TV ad
time just to bash people over the heads with disgusting imagery . OMG, make it stop!
Hence the serious downside of capitalism.
That combined with unbridled greed.
But then, unbridled greed has destroyed capitalism, communism, socialism
and every other “ism” out there. I think
the planet is running out of isms.
Welcome to 2018 already.
