The Dearth of Ism’s

Dear Depraved Capitalist Pigs (by which I mean Advertisers and Media Buyers:)

In the unlikely event that no one has ever told you this before:  not only are you hopelessly lazy and grotesquely lacking in imagination and creativity, but you’re also nauseating and creepy.  And I say this not only as someone who used to work in the media buying arm of an advertising agency many years ago, but as someone who is now retired and has cable TV streaming while she works on more important stuff.  It’s not that I watch it all that much, but I do listen to it ... until I can’t stand it anymore, start screaming in agony and switch to music or blissful silence.

And why, you may ask, do I reach the point where I can’t stand it anymore?  YOU’RE the reason!

I’m sure some mindless study put you up to this.  “People remember due to repetition,” they pontificated, and your bosses jumped up and down, squealed like little girls and yelled “Repetition!  Repetition!  Repetition!” at you ... proving the point of the study because you remembered it, lest you lose the cool job with all the cool perks from syndicators and networks and the NATPE conventions.  So – given your marching orders, and your inherent laziness, you all bought TV ad time in chunks ... sometimes 4 to 6 times during one hour-long program – for your advertisers and patted yourselves on the back.  But what your idiot bosses never knew (and therefore never told you) was the other side of that coin.

Here it is.  Memorize it:  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat:

Relentless repetition DRIVES HUMAN BEINGS INSANE!

Yup.  That unholy study that your stupid bosses crammed down your throats never once studied the impact of commercials on viewers who were subjected to your mindless crap for weeks on end – over and over and over, over and over and over ...

By “driving human beings insane” I mean:   people clutching their heads and screaming, “I can’t take it anymore!”  viewers screaming, “Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” ... wanting to take your evil, vicious product and throw it across the store and then jump up and down on it.  Definitely does not inspire them to buy it.  If anything, running across your product now throws them into instantaneous PTSD.  No joking.  Don’t believe me?  You should hunt down the 2018 “Will & Grace” episode where Karen and Jack were driven (even more) stark raving bonkers than they were already, by getting a commercial jingle stuck in their heads.  Your next goal:  creating a new generation of serial killers who were all driven insane by never ending commercials?  I’m sure they’ll call it the “NATPE Disease”.  (The National Association of Television Program Executives, in case anyone was mildly curious).

Examples from the last hour:

Ø  Uncle Ben’s butchering of Peter Frampton’s “Show Me the Way”... added to every single commercial break in a one-hour program.  Repetitions:  at least 6, if not more.  Makes you wanna send ol’ Ben to the bottom of the nearest rice paddy.

Ø  Wayfair’s butchering of their own theme song.  Makes you want to take an axe to their furniture and toss all the bland, boring other stuff on a bonfire.

Ø  Toyota “Camry”s butchering of “What A Wonderful World” (which was bad enough to begin with), touting their larger than life braking system with the caveat, “By the way, our larger than life braking system isn’t a replacement for you having the brains to hit the brake pedal yourself.  We’re just short-circuiting your brains with this awful song.”  I now have an urge to back up and take a running charge at the first Camry I spot, and pray I’m somewhere near a steep cliff when I spot it.

Ø  Wrigley’s awful, awful, simply AWFUL, twitch-inducing song for their Extra Spearmint gum ... added to every single commercial break in a one-hour program.  Repetitions:  at least 6, if not usually more per hour.  That makes at least 48 repetitions a day, if not 96.  Once the twitching dies away, I solemnly swear off of gum for life.  And then concoct evil plans to torch all the stores that sell it.  Happy now, Wrigley?  The most you have accomplished is getting me to scream, “STFU, YOU STUPID BITCH!” every few minutes ... that voice gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Ø  Speaking of voices that give me the heebie-jeebies, the creepy pedophile-bait simpering little girl voice from the mattress commercials is now used in the Panera Catering commercials.  OMG, PLEASE SHUT HER UP!!  (And then do some serious investigations into the men who hired her.  They can’t be normal.)

Ø  Has it occurred to any animal-lovers anywhere that every dollar the World Wildlife Foundation (WWF) people spend on commercials protecting tigers and elephants is money they’re NOT spending protecting tigers and elephants?  And they run their commercials every hour, every day, every week ... how many millions of dollars are THEY wasting on TV ad time?

Ø  GlaxoSmithKline’s “Anoro” butchering of Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way” ... which is stupid as well as annoying since they tell you to “ask your doctor” immediately after torturing you with the song about “going your own way”.  Which one is it, GlaxoSmithKline?  Your own way or the doctor’s?  Lucky for you I don’t have COPD, because I would rather die than take your crap now.

Ø  The retarded Liferoom mantra:  “Outdoor living.  Perfected.”  Bullshit, you stupid spokescow – it’s a cheaper (and louder, being motorized) version of a screened porch, which people have enjoyed for generations!  Try to keep up.

Ø  The ridiculousness from “Deal Dash.Com” – oh my god.  “These aren’t actors, they’re real people.”  Actors aren’t real people?  Has anyone told any actors that weird tidbit of philosophy?  Not even the worst of it – “fair and honest bidding site”, while the small print at the bottom of the screen announces:  “THESE RESULTS AREN’T TYPICAL!”  No kidding – one of the so-called “real people” proudly announced she won a computer for something ridiculous like $1.50, while pointing at a monitor.  And then, when someone obviously pointed out that mega-error, they brought her back a second time (and by now, she technically IS an actor, if you go by SAG rules) to point at bunch more random crap she “won” – which now makes her look like a brand new “actor” (and no longer a real person) whose pathetic life consists of hoarding.  But hey – “fair and honest”.  Uh-huh.

Ø  The slimy, vomit-inducing, gooey, pus-filled, medical commercials that make everyone sick even if they didn’t start out that way.  Which makes you wonder:  who wakes up every morning exclaiming, “Golly gee, I can’t wait to hear all about “nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea”, brain infections, women having messy, dripping menstrual cycles or peeing all over themselves, men sticking catheters up themselves, chronic constipation, suicidal thoughts, sleep apnea, grotesque close-ups of pimply teenagers squeezing pus out of their faces, people spitting wads of toothpaste into sinks, men craving testosterone and women craving estrogen combined with probiotics and layers of goopy face cream because they all want to keep their aging, wrinkled flesh copulating until they’re 150 years old !”  Nobody, that’s who.  Do you know why?  BECAUSE ALL OF THAT MAKES EVERYONE SICK!  And yet we’re all subjected to this horror show every 10 minutes, while the cost of everything skyrockets because Big Pharma is throwing billions of dollars down the drain buying all this TV ad time just to bash people over the heads with disgusting imagery .  OMG, make it stop!

Hence the serious downside of capitalism.  That combined with unbridled greed.  But then, unbridled greed has destroyed capitalism, communism, socialism and every other “ism” out there.  I think the planet is running out of isms.

Welcome to 2018 already.