Sanity Spells

Getting sloshed again and wondering why.  I can go an entire year without any alcohol and over the last week or so, I’ve been drinking consistently.  End result of it:  I go to sleep.  Thinking:  another escape route, and it probably is.  At the moment, I don’t have the self-discipline to stop.  Correct that:  I don’t WANT to stop.

The obsession tore apart like a bubble – pop! – which is a good thing, but I’m wishing I had something more reasonable to replace it.  I’m basically floundering at the moment.  I managed to set aside my headphones and can now absorb the silence without screaming.  I still blame myself, but am so used to the self-accusatory silence it doesn’t bother me now.  I’m a narcissistic, self-centered, brother-murdering, evil bitch.  Sue me, kill me, I don’t care.

I was sewing that shirt together – something of a distraction, I guess – so of course the sewing machine started acting up, and I had to stop until I could figure out how to raise the Singer feed dogs – Singer, naturally, failed to include an index in their manual (in 4 languages, and if you don’t think THAT’s annoying, think again), so I’m having to search the manual minus the benefit of an index or Table of Contents.

Am not quite sure how to heal myself.  Fine, Sekhmet joined forces with Mr. Signpost and killed the obsession, but haven’t yet managed to undo the self-loathing.  I almost wish they’d done it in reverse:  kill the self-loathing and then let me work on the obsession.  Instead, it feels like they dynamited the bridge over the chasm and then watched dispassionately while I fell through the only safety net I had.  I’m still falling.  Scream.  Flail.  Oh, save me.  Save me.  Yeah, even I don’t buy it.  I live.  I die.  Who gives a shit?

So last night, I woke up around 1:00 am, and was trying to fall back asleep while watching a curious light - about 4-5 feet off the floor - wander around the corner of the bedroom.  Thought at first it was a car headlight through the blinds, but when a car actually drove past and their headlights did flicker briefly on the wall I realized I wasn't looking at headlights.  Someone with a flashlight?  Nope.  And the light wasn't the same as a flashlight's light anyway, more of a self-generated light.  It was moving, so I wasn't looking at a streetlight.  Finally said, "Well, whoever you are, I'm going back to sleep.  Have fun."

I know Dixie has been here and about – once I was sitting in the study and saw her zip into the bedroom. Didn’t think anything of it until I remembered she was dead.  Followed her.  Casper was sound asleep in the living room, Peanut sound asleep on the bed.  So I said, “Hey, Dix!”  So I suspected the light wasn’t Dixie, even though it could have been.  Not sure what that was.

Moonphase:  Waxing Crescent.  What do I want to increase?  My sanity?  How do you cast a spell for that?  Plus, it’s raining and cloudy.

“Whatever deity brings the rain, help me now to heal my brain”?  I like it.  Wave wand.  “So be it!”

I feel like going to sleep now.